Two Things:

1)  Whhhhhhhhy did Porsche nominate Rachel/Jordan when it would be so easy to backdoor them.

2)  Hoooooooow much did CBS want Rachel to win another Bren-nana comp.

3) Those were the scariest dummies alive and Brendon's (teeth) looked like Zach, BB8.

Dolphin squeal "Teeeeeeth!"

Sob Story

TS Irene knocked power out of the nation of Libbytown, but we're back on the grid and keeping a close eye on any pet rabbits now that Glenn-Close-I-mean-Jordan realizes that Daniele gets to spend more of the summer with Jeff than she does.  Local BB math analysts have commented that after the Double Elimination episode, that this is when to kick it into gear, that in this game it is best to just lay low until now and then start winning comps (hi Porsche.)  Not that Porsche should win, but that this is what is happening, that Lawon surrendered himself and that other big players make big targets.  For all of Jordan's tears and resurfacing venom, I think it's worthwhile to note that she blamed Jeff's assholism on his being from the Northern United States and that Shelly agreed, but it is of my opinion that Shelly is now worthy of the winning title, that she entered the game playing, that Rachel also entered the game playing but she's tads too Rachel, that Jordan should have never entered the house and that she was just living her half-million life, that Adam is a kissass, that Porsche got Nutella'd and confused, and that Kalia is just too maddeningly pleased with herself for Libby Me to deal.  Nervous about this week's duo twist, would hate to continue to lose the house's best players 2 weeks in a row!

I know, Shelly.  Whose ego could ever be as easy to stroke as Jeff's???

Step it up, people!

Dani's last words in the house, "step it up, people!" and that her alliance did, what a riot. RIP Dani, but that writing was on the wall.  It was surprising to witness Big Jeff bullying Shelly on national tv and now I'm reading that Jordan and Shelly are fighting hardcore, I'm sure it's about how Shelly was supposed to be advancing Jeff which is the kind of bullshit pansy stuff that people like Adam do, so at this moment I think Shelly rocks.  And Porsche, since Week 3 she's the only one in the house outside of Daniele who was ever mindful of gasp voting Jeff out.  He was sent packing by Kalia and Porsche, and Shelly, too good to be true, bye bye Big Ego!  Hee goan.

Adam is ridiculous...and the only male in the house!

Big Jeff's Big Week

The last 15 seconds of the episode certain chests clutched in relief for Danielle, that there will be a double eviction tomorrow and that she will not have to spend a week alone with Brendon.  Cuz as Big Jeff sez about Danielle,  shee goan, and Porsche said that if she went to the jury house that Rachel wouldn't be walking down the aisle so all her "I don't want to be there with Brendon" is fulla. 

Also noted:

Jordan suddenly started calling the Humilatard a Unitard, pourquoi?

Stroking Jeff's ego is kind of easy.

Daniele outclasses Rachel and her father, no matter what Zingbot says.

The word is mischievous.

Jordan's *ZINGGG!* really sucked.

Kalia needs to stop using those chest socks as lures in the HOH room, it does not work.

If you tell Jeff you like his haircut, he just might take you off the block.

Jeff deserves some credit this week. 

Politically Correct Sunday (not)

Sometimes late at night the tv will be on Big Brother After Dark while I'm going to sleep and as I half-listen I'll sometimes think "Who's that guy??" and it always turns out to be Shelly, but one other time I got all confused seeing Kalia doing all this housework and gameplaying until I saw this:

And I was like, "OOOOOHHHHHHHH. That wasn't Kalia doing all that work, that was Shelly, just with a massive über-tan. Totally makes more sense." Duh. But dang that tan must be weighing an extra 2-3 pounds on her!

And I'm sorry, Rachel is so in love with Jeff, and Jeff knows it which is why her key came out of that nomination box first. He knows he can manipulate her and can even tame her, and it all just makes his ego grow even larger and the Humilitarded eat even more Lucky Charms. I read that earlier today Jeff addressed Jordan as "Hey, Stupid," and that Adam told him that he can no longer call her that since she's not wearing the Humilitard. "Hey, Big Jerk," is that the patron saint of wifebeaters around your neck? It certainly looks like a religious medal, has he been wearing it all summer? I hadn't noticed, it looks sort of like it's dueling with Adam's teeny weeny Star of David that he wears beneath his bacon shirt and I have definitely seen Adam touchy about the subject, one night Jeff didn't acclaim Adam's grandmother's latkes enough and it wasn't long before Adam was cleaning a lot and talking like he was in a concentration camp where presumably Jeff was, a Nazi. It was really tense, everyone else went outside and dropped it but Adam remained all riled up inside, muttering to the cameras about the drama and how interesting the DR sessions would be because of it. So I dunno, I guess when you add wifebeater and anti-semite to the previous list of "racist, homophobe, douchebag" it makes me not so sure this was Jeff's season to shine, except for maybe on CBS.

Also on CBS, this commercial totally caught me off guard and garnered the biggest laughs of the night, certainly bigger than the laughs of discomfort over (smite them!) Porsche's fed DR lines.

For once, truth in advertising. Velveeta is liquid gold...and the solid form doesn't suck either.

Bye Bye Again-don

Yes, Brendon quickly exited and re-exited through the swift revolving door of reality television, just like always happens when contestants re-enter a competition based reality show on television, and now we're still waiting on the new HoH, so on this Thursday we're only left with the matter of Julie Chen's wardrobe to talk about. I thought it was a mock jeans dress with a frisbee-disc beaded necklace from Old Navy and body glitter from Monica Lewinsky. My husband thought it was a tarp. And then the Chen turned sideways. Husband dared not to confirm, but I sorta thought that maybe....maybe? Maybe we've got another Julie Chegnancy on our hands? Sure, maybe it was the pleats that made her bottom half look all ***bllllouuuuuughhhhh*** like that, but maybe that's why they chose the Iowa State Fair-y dress? Is there another Moonves arriving on planet Earth? Only time and tv might tell.

Cute as a Stupid Little Button

That quote there in the title, is not mine. It's what Jeff called the pigtails Jordan wore with the Humilitard she won for a week from the PoV comp, an outfit of course she pretends to hate. Just moments prior Jeff was nominating Jordan for canonization for taking the veto away from someone who is on the block and forcing her into an awkward phone call and 24 hours of confinement. Oh the tears, I don't get these people, I just know that Brendon is edited to be a little too enthusiastic over the zombie metaphor. It feels like viewers might get a zombie theme soon.

CBS - 1987
(I know these two aren't zombies but close enough, right.)

Light Bathroom Reading

Recently Read:

*That the 4 permanently evicted houseguests are the 4 members of The Regulators, which was an alliance moniker that always sounded sort of super Ex-Laxxy so maybe their quick departure makes sense?

*Kalia's HOH Blog, the first line is a blood-pressure gauge, I cannot stress enough how easy I thought this house would be, she says which is prolly so OMG the stoopidist thang I've, like, read all centure-ay. Kalia also reports how she sprechens Deutsche as a result from exposure to a crappy textbook and 6 weeks of teenage bierdrinking with American friends (sorry, but no) and one night on Big Brother After Dark Kalia was asked how it was that she became a Hair Scissorologist with no training and little experience, and she knew it was because her old roommate once asked her to trim her split ends. Girl Hemorrhoid = Deludinoid.

*That Racist/Homophobe/Douchebag Is Getting A Hero's Edit! and FYI "Racist/Homophobe/Douchebag" means Jeff (I thought they were talking about Brendon!) but Live Feed viewers seem to get more upset about Shelly's edit for the CBS broadcast because, well, she is playing a game of lies (in their defense, she is pretty heinous.)

*Adam has won PoV, taken himself off, and Daniele has nominated Brendon in his place. Will Brendon once again chuck it in the chowder room? Will smelly Shelly leave the telly? Let's stay tuned!

Slumday

It's true, we've taken a break from the dispelling stories of Brendon's "2 zillion" Please Return votes as they've caused all kinds of cracks and questions in television reality, such as seen in the Libbytown Research Dept. where it was previously noted that all devoted BB fans who *watch the show, *watch the online feeds, and *consult with other BB Nerds online, tended to all waaaay more expect a sway toward Cassi or Dominic votes. That only on CBS BB's Facebook page anyone ever witness an enthusiasm toward Brendon's return to the house.

Meanwhile, support here remained in Daniele's corner, she is playing to win and judging by the order of her nomination keys she is taking the Girl Power vote with her, so *Girl*Power*Dani!* Lotsa cheers for smelling the bullshit and embracing the newbies and knowing where to go from there. CBS will kindly hide your work and your struggles for you.

Yes, of the three of us I'm wearing the most pink on my head, 

but that just means that I'm the biggest brainiac in the room.

Meanwise, CBS could have reported an all but evaporation of the chemistry from this Brenchel reunion, viewers can see it on Big Brother After Dark. Has the Zizzle gone to Fizzle? Is Brendon just a Friend-in? Does Rachel care for no more Facials? Tabloid blogging will have to stay tuned!

All Points Bullitinized

There was a 5-point crisis alarm chez Libbytown tonight, the Department of Homegirl Security was called to respond to a friend emergency and as a result the Thursday Night Episode municipal efforts hit low staff levels, but we did catch a glimpse of BRENDON battling himself back into the house, which is complete bullshit, so maybe we'll be back for further service reports. Maybe not.

Wednesday Night BB Conversations

Rachel: Don’t trust my dry tearducts, my life is over now that Daniele has spitefully taken away my future husband/biggest enemy! Everybody hates me!

Shelly: I know I’m a man, but I’m no Brendon. I’m trying my man-damnedest to get you to behave less Rachel-y but it’s not working. Lemme just be Shelly and say: STFU!!!!!

******************************************
 
Jeff: Shelly, things must be bad when you expose those puffy eyes to crying. Should we make out?

Shelly: No dude, we’re both dudes!

******************************************

Jeffaestus: Jeffeeeezus! Rocky! Viet Nam!

******************************************

Jeff: Rachel, you’re obviously upset and I’m inexplicably shirtless. Are you mad because I won PoV and you didn’t?

Rachel: Jeff, just let me take off my shirt.

Jeff: Let me watch you...leave......

Jordan: PS, I’m in the room, like, I wonder whuuuuuuutttttttt will happen once you’re safe and I’m not, asshole.

******************************************

Everyone: Lawon, you’re kind of crazy!

Lawon: Because I classified unbearded Adam as “handsome-fied?”

Everyone: We weren’t thinking about that but, ew, yeah, what’s up with the creepy new guy?

Lawon: Because of my Emmy-nominating performances? Because I’m surrendering myself for cult hero powers?

Everyone: Yeah.

**********************************************

Meanwhile, the city-state of Libbytown is passing a torch in the countdown to The Twist.  If Brendon walks through those doors tomorrow night we residents will cry Dukakis!  Internet fans have revealed that nobody is voting for Brendon, but CBS tells us that Julie Chen does now have a cool new Twitter account. Doo kahk kuzzz.

Blackie Collins

Blackie Collins is Kalia's nom de laptop on her much-mentioned relationship blog. Meh, I don't care what Blackie says on June 2, if Kalia ever lays those eyes on a positive pregnancy test or on a sonogram of her blastulated uterus the first person she'll show is Facebook. Libbytown Web Librarians were somewhat more impressed with her collection of upbeat entertainment articles. Meanwhile in Studio City, Kalia has witnessed Jeff take himself off the block and she has nominated Lawon as a volunteer pawn replacement. A getting-rid-of-the-pawn scheme is already being discussed, Daniele included, which means if Lawon ends up with the opportunity to battle it back into the house, viewers will surely be seeing Cassi or Dom returning. Be sure to vote Dominic back in at CBS.com!

Sauerkraut, Sour Grapes

Yup, that was a tall drink of Sour Grapes that Jordan only half-chugged during this week's Have/Have Not comp, still she managed to blame her team's loss on Shelly for, gasp, not listening to her thug boyfriend. It is true, America's Sweetheart has been Have-Notted to the brink and the veneer is sort of, cracking. "Big Jeff" might find it hard to watch someone "so pure and so innocent" crying out her baby blues, but we here in Libbytown are just kicking back in our comfy livingrooms with the low lighting and the lots of comfort carbs as we lift our glass to say "geaux, tiger," wondering if Jordan has noticed that Dani and Kalia have each won just as many HoH's as she has, which is sort of a lot for players who didn't enter the house with a spouse. Maybe Jordan's angry because she knows if her boyfriend wins the PoV (which he has) that there's a hefty probability that he'll throw her in harm's way. He was gloating a little bit of Jeff/Rachel sexual tension (I know!) in Jordan's face during Big Brother After Dark last night, that the Jeff/Rachel fighting was turning more into flirting. Presumably Jordan noticed it too considering her bizarre comments to Jeff about how certain things in the house SMELL LIKE FISH and randomly shouting about how important in life it is to HAVE STANDARDS. Poor Jordan, but honestly, as a previous winner she should have been embarrassed to walk back into that house. Give someone else a chance. Even Evel Dick had the sense to choose drugs over spending the summer with Jeff.

Other Sunday Thoughts:

Can Shelly ever, ever be more painful to watch?

Was Kalia's "Kalia's Room" plaque carved by a golden retriever?

Could I be more surprised by Rachel's content enthusiasm for Have-Not catfish?

Who would trust Shelly?

Who notices that all this season's HoH's have been female?

Does Jeff ever realize that his approach SUCKS?

Yes.

Because we like Daniele a lot more than her father does, we are here now thrilled that Kalia is the new HoH.  Sure, there are internet rumors that all Kalia does is complain and eat and emit gasses and guzzle milk of magnesia and warm the house's only toilet seat but now she can add nominate for eviction to that list of chores and she has Daniele's back, and may even do whatever Dani says she should. Yes.

In jackass news: Dick's got a lot of nerve, it's probably a little easier to evaluate Season 13's gameplay from an empty livingroom, if only he held the same faith in Daniele that she demonstrates for herself in her HoH Blog. Jackass.

Other jackasses tonight include: 
Jeff and Jordan.  Done with hearing how you "just wanted to spend the summer together." You could have done that in, literally, a zillion other places than on my tv, so stop.

Lawon.  For that look of disbelief he gave when he was swiftly disqualified from a competition.

"Nobody in this game cares for anyone but themselves!" --Rachel Reilly

CBS.  For completely glossing over Brendon's inherent gros-il-grotesque assholitry.  A library of live feeds has proof that this guy is a complete dink, that when push comes to shove he point his cro-magnus toward the Achilles heel with wide-ranging, Lowest Common Denominator ammunition.  He just makes himself look like a complete dink in a hammock or in a DR or in front of a laptop, but CBS just keeps marketing him as this chivalrous sword-taking stud for Rachel, as some honorable dumpster monogamist, but thankfully Rachel puts CBS in its place by pointing out that this week's HoH comp was clearly rigged, because obviously it's aeronautically impossible for her to lose an HoH, what's she gonna dust off her shoulders now. And to a newbie??  Muuuaahahhhaaahhhaaa.

CBS Luvs Brendon and his Main Tendon

Libbytowners are decent folk. We honor dignity and integrity and sensitivity, so sometimes we get caught offguard when we find ourselves busting out a rofl when they air Rachel's Maxwell Smart jogger faceplant, again. Or when they show Jeff obviously freaking out, or Brendon applauding himself for curing cancer and spelling multi-lettered words and being Rachel's martyr when we all know he really just wants to go home and get it on with the internet, again.

In reality news, Reality BBQ is reporting that we WILL get to suppose the supposed and vote an evicted houseguest to battle-it-back in. Editorial paranoids can't help but notice that Brendon is on the roster of votees, and that the CBS editing is excessively kind to him and we can expect clips of him fooling himself  through a hideous savior-prince role during a cheap wedding pre-enactment, with Lawon as officiant, Rachel as bride, and Daniele as repulsed guest. And when you click the America's Vote sourcelink provided by Reality BBQ it leads to an "Oops, it's not our fault you got to this dead link, it's yours" message. Was posting the America's Vote info a CBS error? Because we've read that Brenchel is campaigning hard for Jordan to leave.  Or was the posting choreographed.  Is Brendon storyboarded to be voted out, and being urged to be voted back in? How much do sessions with the DR staff sway houseguest vote. Tell us Leader Chen!  Tell us!!

The Antisocial Network

Oy vey, the beat on the internete street is making a Libbyhead spin.  Here are the facts:

HoH: Daniele
Nomination Ceremony: Brenchel
PoV Winner: Brendon
PoV Ceremony: Brendon USES the PoV on RACHEL, Daniele puts JORDAN in her place

It appears that Jordan had pitched the idea to Dani, to place her up as a pawn.  BUTTT that the moment Brendon won PoV, she started campaigning.  Presumably Jordan safely has the votes to stay (Jeff, Shelly, Adam, Kalia, Lawon, [5] vs. Brendon and Porsche [2]), but this doesn't stop Brenchel from further ruining their rep with awkward bullheaded campaign efforts.  Anywhich way it goes, it is as official as a Chen-nouncement that it is official, the Vet alliance will be broken up.  BUTTT, there is heavy speculation that the evicted houseguests are in sequester and that America's Vote will bring one of them back.  And that America will no way in hell vote our rocket scientist back in.  Because his social game makes him so unlikeable.

Just as in life, in the BB house it doesn't matter how much Ph.D. candidacy you're risking, if you don't know how to work people you'll dent your chances of winning.  Jordan PhD's in the social game, she listens to everyone, she knows how to explain things to Rachel so that Rachel understands, she calms Jeff's Rachel-rage, she confidently invites newbies to join her Luxury win, and she worked Daniele to win this vanity (Jeff's Martyr) nomination. She doesn't clobber people with a competitive attitude, but she manipulates their motives with wide eyes and girly blonde hair and a genteel Southern demeanor. She's already won $500k and still people don't see her as a threat.  She's already won $500k.

Rachel's desperation and large muddy insecurity boots turn people away.  Her personality pisses everyone off and puts her at the bottom of the totem pole, and pisses everyone off.  Brendon belongs in the cave of whence he dwells, he knows how to pick a woman with a draggable hairline but he doesn't know how to not sound like a mammoth douchebag.

Jeff, if he didn't look like Jeff there would be little to pay attention to.  I'm sure he'd be good at football or wrestling or any type of sport that relies on bold visible moves and muscles, and I can't say that if he smiled at me I wouldn't smile back, but in the BB house without Jordan he doesn't have a prayer, personably.  Without Jordan's social support Jeff probably couldn't win on his own, which wouldn't be nearly as aggravating if he could get over himself long enough to realize this.

Clearly there's a winner in this underlying bag of social skills, and she's on the block.  Brenchel's presently trying to sell Adam to keep Brendon but their sales skills, are also sucking.  Looks like it's aloha, Brendon.  (America bring back Dom????)